Today's message is about when to be direct (or not) and I think you'll get something out of it. Let me know what you think!
Know When to Charge (Direct) and When to Stealth Ninja (Indirect)
Every life situation is an opportunity to be direct or indirect. When should each tactic be used?
A frog and a scorpion were walking together in the mall one day. The scorpion said to the frog, "I'd sure like to sting a frog someday." The frog nodded and smiled. Frogs can smile. A few minutes later, the scorpion said, "Hmm... Your back looks like it could use a sting." The frog smiled again and asked, "Would you like to sting me?" The scorpion nodded enthusiastically.
"Okay," the frog said, "Close your eyes and lower your stinger slowly." The scorpion closed his eyes and lowered his stinger. The frog grabbed the middle of the scorpion's tail with his tongue, and jammed its stinger into an electrical outlet, shocking the scorpion and killing it. Though he was the naturally weaker creature, the frog controlled the situation, which is why he survived and the scorpion died.
When to Be Aggressive (Direct)
While reading about the frog and scorpion, you may have been thinking, "Why didn't the scorpion just sting the frog?" That's indeed what he should have done instead of asking for permission. What lion has ever asked for permission to eat a wildebeest? That's why lions are the king of the jungle!
Humanity is more sophisticated than this survival of the fittest system, but we still operate under "thrival of the fittest." Those who directly and aggressivelyimpose their will on the world in general are the ones who get their way most often and definitely in the long term. This isn't suggesting to be violent or rude. Being direct and aggressive is not the same as aggression. You can be aggressive while being gentle and positive.
It can be something like saying "hello" to a stranger. It can mean assuming the leadership role of a group. It can mean asking a company for a job. Aggressive people take initiative and don't ask for permission.
Use the direct approach whenever it serves you best, which is most situations.
Indirectly trying to exert your will has another name—manipulation. It's when you say, "Gee, my back is sore and I'd love a massage," instead of asking someone to give you a massage. The goal is to make someone feel compelled to do what you want without making your intentions known. It's often done as a means to avoid direct rejection. Not only is this sneaky, but it's weaker than being direct.
Like a muscle that is never exercised, being indirect makes you weaker because it doesn't expose you to the natural way of the world (where there are wins and losses, risks and rewards). Trying to live your life indirectly is frustrating.
Not only is being indirect weaker, but it's harder to do than being direct. Manipulation is a delicate act of simultaneously applying force and cloaking your intentions. In certain social situations, it's more appropriate or effective to be indirect, but when it comes to most actions you can take or requests of others, being direct is superior. People will appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness, and you'll have more opportunities to succeed.
As a bonus, being direct requires much less time and energy than manipulation. Rather than scheming for hours about how to get someone to do the dishes, you can simply ask someone.
When to Sidestep (Indirect)
When the world presents you with a challenge, you can face it directly or indirectly (sidestep).
The frog from the story was smart because he resisted the scorpion indirectly. Direct resistance from the frog would have been something like, "No, don't sting me! That will kill me. Go away!" This could have made the scorpion upset, at which point he may have stung the frog. Or else, the frog may have resisted by preemptively attacking the scorpion, and the scorpion would win the fight easily. Instead of doing either of those, he outsmarted the scorpion.
This is a valuable lesson: as a general rule, do not directly resist anything that is stronger than you!
It's common sense, isn't it? If a giant boulder rolls toward you, you're not going to try to push it back, you're going to get out of its way. If a person with a weapon approaches you belligerently, you're not going to fight them unarmed, you're going to run away.
This same concept, however, can be lost in life's less visible areas! One such area is negative thinking.
The Folly of Resisting Negative Thoughts
Negative thoughts aren't necessarily stronger than we are, but they are quickly strengthened when resisted. This has to do with the way the brain works. When we issue a command to brain central that says, "Don't think about green flamingos," we think more about green flamingos because we're aware of what we're trying to avoid. Our brain isn't like a computer, where you can press delete on thoughts you wish to discard.
We need to be cunning like the smart frog when the challenge is formidable. When the negative thought comes in, instead of knee-jerk resistance, we can greet it, shake its hand, and smile at it. "Nice to see you, Mr. Pessimism About Being Lonely Forever. Interesting name. Please have a seat on the couch and enjoy a scone."
It's counterintuitive to invite your negative thoughts over for a scone, but it's important to acknowledge (not deny) a negative thought's existence, because the moment we try to banish a thought and activate CODE RED, we raise our awareness of it. Now, instead of thinking about kittens, sunflowers, and delicious soup, we're obsessed with avoiding this negative thought, which means we're focused on it constantly, the precise opposite of our intent. We unintentionally amplify and honor negative thoughts by making them enemies worthy of our full attention.
Negative thoughts aren't worthy of our attention. All people, even perpetually happy people, have negative thoughts on occasion. Positive people are happy because they don't fear negative thoughts, they don't pull any alarms. They calmly go back to thinking about sunshine and lunch (sorry, food references increase when you write hungry).
Acknowledge negative thoughts (like the frog nodding to the scorpion). Rather than fight them directly, calmly choose something positive to think about (the frog avoided a direct fight, and put the scorpion stinger into the power socket!). This is the indirect approach at its finest.
Directly Resisting Temptation? Bad Idea
Another instance in which it can be a bad idea to resist directly is temptation. Our willpower strength fluctuates, meaning there will be times in which the temptation is greater than our power to resist it. Even worse, resisting temptation depletes willpower, making it all the more likely to happen at some point, like a brake pad wearing down from repeated use.
In instances that you are weaker than the challenge you're facing, you must have a superior strategy to win. I realized this when I succeeded with mini habits after years of failing with other "mainstream" strategies. It wasn't that I got any stronger—the challenges I faced were still greater than my raw strength—it was the superiority of the strategy that did it.
Your base strength x your strategy = your total strength
Typically, strategies do nothing to help you (and sometimes hold you back), making the equation:
Base strength x 1 = base strength
A strategy like mini habits, however, leverages your limited willpower to make the equation:
Base strength x 4 = super strength
The Power of Strategizing
Directly attacking a formidable challenge/enemy is a poor decision. Instead, it's best to strategize an indirect approach that gives you an advantage.
In the story of David and Goliath, David was armed with a sling, from which he could launch stones at a distance. Goliath was armed with a massive sword, which was lethal, but only at close range. David's advantage was clear when he killed Goliath without getting near him. If it were close combat, Goliath would have killed David easily. This is a perfect example of utilizing strategy to win when you're outmatched.
Real Life Examples of Strategy over Direct Force
Mini Habits: the intimidating challenge of changing yourself is overcome by small, consistent steps that leverage willpower and the brain's method of change.
Travel: the impossibility of traveling without enough money is made possible by using a strategies like travel hacking and couchsurfing to make it cheap or free. If you weigh your finances to the cost of a "typical" vacation and the math doesn't work, you can use an indirect approach to make it happen anyway!
Career: The key to a successful career is to play to your strengths, which often don't align with the direct career path approach. I'm very poor at networking and job interviews (two huge parts of the direct career path), and eventually, after failing to make that work, I was able to use my analytical ability and creativity to become an author. The direct, conventional career approach only works for some people. People find many other ways to make a living! There are professional snugglers, for example. In Japan, where I am writing this, there are professional apologizers, who are hired to apologize on behalf of others. That is a very indirect way to make money if you ask me!
But when strategizing is unnecessary, don't do it!
Going back to the story at the beginning, the scorpion was needlessly indirect with the frog. He had the power to sting the frog, dilly dallied instead, and got zapped as a result. In our lives, getting zapped means missing opportunities, so it's equally important to know when to go for the gold!
Real Life Examples of the Direct Approach
Fitness: Since my fitness mini habit has developed, I've been able to directly approach my fitness goal of exercising nearly every day (except when I need to rest). It's a matter of knowing that I now have the upper hand against my (former) resistance to exercise. I know I can win this battle, so I go in and win it!
Travel: Say you have enough time and money to see the world. In that case, only use travel hacking and couchsurfing if you want. Bon voyage!
Career: Some people excel within the provided system of school, college, and then work. There's no reason for them to start a cuddling business (unless they prefer that!).
As you can see, the direct approach is simple. When you know you can win, go ahead and do it. But know your limits as well.
Most people use the direct approach for everything, even when it isn't working. Therefore, the main purpose of this message is to get you thinking about the indirect approach and in what areas it may benefit you.
Cheers,
Stephen Guise
